I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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