My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
