I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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