He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
