I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
