just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
