I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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