Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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