Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
