You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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