Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
