she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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