I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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