If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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