Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
