just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
