Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
