so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
