Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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