Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
