yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
