So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
