I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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