I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
