Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
