Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
