Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
