My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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