That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
