david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
