I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
