i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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