No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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