He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
