I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
