why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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