I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
