so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
