she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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