you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
