1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
