I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
