you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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