this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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