Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
