ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
