You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
