Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
