I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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