you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
