I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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