it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
